Macabre Jokes, Part 2

Presenting the second installation in the “Macabre Jokes” series.  If you find humor in the grim and sometimes-gruesome, these punchlines are for you.  Click for Part 1 or Part 3.

Have No Fear

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to offer a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.  First of all, you must have no sense of fear.”

At this point, the lecturer drills a hole into the cadaver’s head, sticks his finger into the dead man’s brain, and then licks his finger.  He asks all his students to do the same thing with their cadavers.  After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation,” the professor continues.  “For instance: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s cranium, but I licked my index finger?”

Death Bed

Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.

The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned over quietly and asked, “Do you have something you would like to say?”

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. “I know you can’t speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She’s waiting just outside.”

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad, which he stuffed into the priest’s hands.

Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.

“Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you.”

The wife tearfully opened the note which read: “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”

Cannibalism

Why was the teacher so suspicious of her cannibal student?

He kept buttering her up.

Doo-Dah

There once was a lumberjack by the nickname of “Doo-Dah”.  As he aged, his hearing grew worse and worse.  One day, he failed to hear one of the other lumberjacks yell “Timber!” and he was squashed, right on the spot.  The other lumberjacks, knowing how close Doo-Dah was with his dear wife, decided it was their duty to tell her right away what had happened.  However, none of them were brave enough to tell her to her face, so they decided to send a telegram.  When the telegram deliveryman came to Mrs. Doo-Dah’s door and knocked, she answered with a great smile.

“Oh, a telegram!” she exclaimed.  “I’ve never gotten a telegram before!  Do you think you could make it a singing telegram?”

The telegram deliveryman was a bit unnerved.  “I’m not sure I would feel comfortable singing this telegram, ma’am.”

She insisted, however, and said she would tip him generously if he would humor her and make it a singing telegram.  The deliveryman finally acquiesced.  He thought for a moment, and then began:

(To the tune of Camptown Races) “Guess who died in the woods today?  Doo-dah, Doo-dah…”

Last Request

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

“Have you any last requests?” asked the executioner.

“Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

Bell Ringer

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell again, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

Time of Death

“Now, my grandfather–he knew the exact year, day of the week, and time of day that he would die.”

“Wow, that’s incredible. How did he know all of that?”

“A judge told him.”

Guillotine Troubles

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer have all been sentenced to death by guillotine for crimes they had committed. The executioner asks the priest whether he wishes to face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest states he would prefer to die face up which would enable him to be looking towards Heaven when he dies.

The priest is placed in the guillotine and the executioner releases the lever. The blade comes speeding down, but jams just short of the priest’s throat. Taking this as a sign from God, the priest is released and set free.

Next, the lawyer is led to the guillotine, and hoping he will be as fortunate as the priest, he too decides to die face up. Again the blade is released and jams just inches away from his throat. As with the priest, the lawyer is released and set free.

Finally, the engineer is led to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the lever, the engineer shouts, “Wait! I think I see what your problem is!”

Confession

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“My darling Susan,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Susan,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Susan. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.”

“I know,” she replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

Hung Jury

Why was the hangman not convicted of his crimes?

There was a hung jury.

24 Hours

The doctor stated somberly, “I have some bad news, and some very bad news.”

“Well, you might as well give me the bad news first,” the fidgeting patient replied.

“You’ve contracted a fatal disease that kills the victim within 24 hours.”

“Good Lord!  What could be worse than that?”

“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Remains

A doctor recently opened a firm that doubles as both a morgue and an optometry practice.

How long do you think that place will stay in business?

Remains to be seen.

Pick Your Poison

A man confides in his friend: “I believe my wife is secretly trying to poison me.  What shall I do?”

“Let me talk to her.  I’ll see what I can find out,” the friend offers.

The next day, the man’s friend calls him and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife.  We talked on the phone for hours.  Do you know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think you should take the poison.”

Fences

Why do cemeteries need fences around them?

Because everyone’s dying to get in.

After the Funeral

A little girl was sitting next to the bedside of her dying grandfather.  Suddenly, the room was filled with the most wonderful smell.  It was the aroma of Grandma’s famous chocolate chip cookies–Grandpa’s favorite food in the world–wafting up from the kitchen downstairs.

He was thrilled that his wife had given him this last parting gift, but he knew he only had a matter of minutes left.  He mustered up as much energy as he could, turned to his granddaughter, and asked, “Would you please go down and get me some of your grandmother’s cookies?  That is my final request.”

The granddaughter nodded, scurrying down to the kitchen as fast as she could.  There was a pause, and then the pitter patter of her little feet as she raced back upstairs to her grandfather.

Grandpa licked his lips.  The smell was so incredible, he could already taste them.  But when he turned to look at his granddaughter, her hands were empty!

The little girl reported, “Grandma said they’re for after the funeral.”

Published in: on November 30, 2010 at 11:18 pm  Comments (3)  

Ridiculously Cheap Victorian Mansion

This five-digit treasure is located in the Avenues of York, Pennsylvania.  It’s an 1888 Victorian Queen Anne manor with two baths, refinished hardwood floors, and original Victorian shingles.  There are officially four bedrooms, but the home has many more rooms that can be utilized as bedrooms.  There’s a fireplace, huge bay windows, porches, stained glass windows, a two car garage, and is situated on a 1/4 acre corner plot.  The asking price is only $99,900.

Hat tip to OldHouses.com.

Published in: on November 29, 2010 at 8:06 pm  Leave a Comment  

All You Need to Know About Vines

Want to give your home and garden that aging, consumed-by-nature look?  There’s nothing better than some good climbing vines.  Make sure that you choose the right type of vines to purchase and grow, that you get a good deal on them, and that you know how to properly care for these creatures.

Published in: on November 28, 2010 at 4:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

Free Classical Music

ClassicCat.net is my very favorite website for freely downloadable classical music in mp3 format.  They link to thousands of different classical pieces, by hundreds of different composers.  Simply type what you’re looking for in the search bar at the top right corner of their website, and follow the link to the mp3s!

Here’s a few of my favorite tunes:

Published in: on November 27, 2010 at 7:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

Leather Rose Bracelets

These beautiful cuffs from Etsy.com would be a terrific gift for that special someone:


Published in: on November 26, 2010 at 10:58 pm  Leave a Comment  

Octopus Chandeliers, Candelabras, and Sconces

These fascinating light fixtures are fashioned by the talented Adam Wallacavage at the Jonathan LeVine Gallery:

Published in: on November 25, 2010 at 2:54 pm  Comments (1)  

Bizarre Taxidermy

Beady glass eyes stare forlornly, dismembered limbs are strewn around and a faint smell of formalin hangs in the air. This is how many would picture the studio of a taxidermist, and they might not be so far off. However, the objective of taxidermy has changed. Whereas it was once purely about the preservation of dead animals in order to make them appear to be as lifelike as possible, the new goal of artistic taxidermy is to create something unique. The results of this new art form are fantasy animals and hybrid creatures — some cute, some gory.

Hat tip to Dark Roasted Blend.

Published in: on November 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm  Leave a Comment  

Make Your Own Gargoyle


This would be a fun activity to do with your children.  Wouldn’t you love to know how to make a gargoyle at home, DIY style?  EHow.com spells it out for us:

Things You’ll Need:

  • Shredded paper or newspaper
  • Quart of hot water
  • Microwave-safe bowl
  • Mesh colander or wire strainer
  • Wallpaper paste or white glue
  • Markers, paints, granite spray, sand or other decorative finishes
  • Paper sealant spray to protect the finished art
  • Plastic coffee stirrers or craft wire for appendages (optional)
  • Sandpaper (cut to form for scales/appendages – optional)
  • Parchment paper (for wings – optional)
  • Small marbles or craft stones (for eyes – optional)

Instructions:

  1. Mix a large batch of papier-mâché pulp. Shred or tear paper, then fill a large bowl or basin with the shred. Slowly pour hot water over the paper as you mix the blend, turning the paper into pulp. Add more paper if the mixture feels too watery.
  2. Cook the soaked pulp in the microwave oven for about 10 minutes, then remove and let it stand for a couple of hours to cool down and marry. If you have no microwave, cook the pulp on the stove top until it begins to boil, then let it sit for a couple hours to solidify. You can also try using an old blender to make the pulp.
  3. Squeeze excess water out of the pulp by putting the mixture into a wire strainer or mesh colander. Press the mixture into the screen to remove the water. Retain a little bit of the moisture so it doesn’t dry out.4
  4. Add glue or wallpaper paste to the paper mixture (around two parts paper to one part glue or paste) and pour the sticky pulp into a plastic bag. Store the modeling material in the refrigerator until you’re ready to start shaping your gargoyle.
  5. Using an image from a book or a gargoyle from the Toscano catalog as your model, hand shape papier-mâché into the gargoyle. For a fast-drying result, cut and shape a Styrofoam or chicken wire to create a base, then layer on the papier-mâché-and-glue mix over the base. It’s a good idea to use a base if you are short on mix because a solid middle requires less pulp.
  6. Stick plastic coffee stirrers or craft wire into the body of the gargoyle to create projectiles on which wings, tails, ears, spines, a tongue, teeth and appendages can be built, then layer on sheets of paper covered by the papier-mâché-and-glue mix to fashion the details of the creature. Distinct characteristics like talons can be made of toothpicks wrapped with papier-mâché strips and a beak can be formed with sandpaper sections glued to the base before slathering it with pulp.
  7. Once the gargoyle body is finished, allow it to dry thoroughly before decorating. Take your design direction from authentic Toscano gargoyles. Give your gargoyle scaly skin using layered sandpaper scallops and a prehensile tail crafted by winding papier-mâché strips around a thick rope that’s inserted into the body and sealed with glue. Small marbles or craft stones are ideal for flashing eyes, and wings made of double sheets of shaped parchment paper with wire spines add drama. Use your imagination and your creature will be unique.
  8. Complete your gargoyle by choosing brown, gray and black markers or paint to cover the figurine. For a “sandy” texture, brush a thick layer of glue across the gargoyle and roll the piece in sand. Spray your creature with faux granite paint to make it look as though it were crafted of stone.
  9. Apply a water-based sealer to protect your Toscano-influenced gargoyle from deterioration once it is completely dry and decorated to your taste.

Extra Tip:

If you don’t want to make your own papier-mâché, buy pre-mixed pulp from a craft store to save time. It’s not expensive, so it won’t add to the cost of your project. This product may be sold under the name claycrete. Experiment with offbeat materials like sawdust or dryer lint—both will dry rock solid when used in place of paper. The sawdust-to-wallpaper paste ratio should be 2-to-1. When dry, you can even sand a sawdust gargoyle before decorating it. If you’re an experienced crafter with sculpting experience, consider substituting plaster of Paris or Sculpee clay for the papier-mâché base to create your Toscano gargoyle.
Published in: on November 23, 2010 at 11:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Exotic Bird Feather Hat

This piece bears the classic profile of a 1930s big brim hat. The wool body of the hat is in very good shape, as is the velvet fabric weaving in and out of the open crown. The stitching on the crown indicates it is handmade (like so much millinery was during this time period). The large coque feathers end with red, blue, yellow, and smaller black feathers designed to resemble an exotic bird. The embroidered label reads Daphne Model Paris New York.

Published in: on November 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm  Leave a Comment  

Classy Bath Robes

Few things are quite as satisfying as a comfortable bath robe to slip in to at the end of a long day.  And if you’re looking to economize, JCPenney.com has a marvelous sale going on:

Published in: on November 21, 2010 at 3:07 pm  Comments (2)  
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