If you’re like me, these punch lines will have you rolling in your grave with laughter. They’ll also make for some good joviality at parties and get-togethers.
One Way to Beat Cancer:
On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, “That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I do apologize for having to tell you this, but we are about to crash into the ocean.”
In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. “Bloody hell! That lying doctor of mine! He said I was going to die of cancer.”
In the Dead of Night:
Two men were walking home after a night in the tavern and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Good gracious, Sir,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
My Tumor and I:
The next time anyone comments on how well you’re eating, merely reply: “Oh yes, I’m eating for two now. Me, and my quickly-growing tumor.”
Golfing and Sky-Diving:
What is the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver?
When a golfer makes a mistake, the golfer goes: “*Whack!* … Oh, dear.”
When a sky-diver makes a mistake, the sky-diver goes: “Oh, dear. … *Whack!*”
Black and Blue:
A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change. On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form-fitting blue suit. Afterwards, she asked the undertaker about the extra charge. He replied, “No charge. Glad to do it for you! You see, the same day you asked me about that, another man’s body arrived, wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his widow, and she wasn’t particular about the suit. So I switched the heads.”
What did the blind, deaf, mute, lame boy get for Christmas?
How does someone administering CPR know when to stop and give up?
When they have to take more than two steps between compressing the victim’s chest and ventilating into the victim’s mouth.
Fear of the Dark:
A woman goes on a date with a man who is secretly a serial murderer. They decide to go on a walk in the woods that evening, when the woman, who wishes to induce the handsome man into putting his arm around her, states: “Oh, I’m so scared!” The man turns to her and replies, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk out of here alone!”
A young man enters a funeral home with tears in his eyes, telling the director that sixteen members of his family recently died in a horrific bus crash and that he is the only surviving member of his clan. However, he came from a poor lineage, therefore having very little money, and he wishes to hold a joint funeral for all of his family members. He asks what is the most dead persons they can possibly fit into one hearse.
The funeral home director pauses and thinks for a moment, and then replies: “Four in the rear, and twelve in the ash tray.”
Golfing with the Wife:
An avid golfer recounted a recent golf outing with his wife. “It was horrible!” he told a friend.
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“She did fine on the first nine holes, but on the tenth hole, she suddenly dropped dead right then and there. Dead, I tell you!”
“I’ll say! The last eight holes, I had to hit the ball, drag Mildred, hit the ball, drag Mildred…”
A man’s wife goes missing in the bayou of Louisiana. After a full day of searching, the sheriff finally comes to the man’s front door.
“We have bad news and good news, sir,” begins the sheriff. “We found your wife drowned in the swamp. When we pulled her up out of the water, she was covered with crabs.”
“What’s the good news?”
“We’re pulling her up again at 4:00.”
Just Making Sure:
Two men are out hunting, when one has a heart attack and collapses onto the ground. The other immediately dials 911.
“What’s your emergency?” asks the 911 operator.
“My friend has just died of a heart attack! What do I do?”
“First go and make sure that he’s really dead.”
The 911 operator hears the sound of footsteps, followed by a gunshot.
The man returns to the phone: “Okay, now what?”
“So, is your grandmother still sliding down the banisters?”
“Well, we wound barbed wire around them.”
“Did that stop her?”
“No, but it sure slows her down!”
A woman gives birth to a baby who has no torso or limbs, just a head. But she and her husband love him and care for him all the same. So, for his eighteenth birthday, his father tells him he’s got a surprise.
“Not another hat?” groans the boy.
“No, not another hat, you’re of age today, son, and I’m taking you drinking.”
So, he tucks his son under his arm and off they go to the tavern.
An amazing thing happens after he gives his son the first shot: a torso pops out of the head.
“Quick, bartender, another shot.” He gives him the shot and he sprouts an arm.
The bartender doesn’t know if he should. “I don’t think he ought to…”
“No, this is great, he’s had no body for eighteen years! Keep them coming.”
The bartender cautiously pours another shot. The boy takes his first drink by himself with his new arm. The other arm pops out. He lunges across the bar and grabs the bottle. The bartender tries to grab it away, but the boy has the bottle and he chugs it as they grapple. One leg and then the other appear during the struggle.
Then the boy falls to the floor and explodes like a water balloon, drenching the tavern in gore.
The father looks on in horror.
The bartender shakes his head. “I was trying to tell you, he should have quit while he was ahead.”
The Lifespan of a Sky-Diver:
If you’re sky-diving and neither your primary parachute nor your reserve parachute open, how long do you have until you hit the ground?
The rest of your life.