Have No Fear
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to offer a few basics before starting.
“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. First of all, you must have no sense of fear.”
At this point, the lecturer drills a hole into the cadaver’s head, sticks his finger into the dead man’s brain, and then licks his finger. He asks all his students to do the same thing with their cadavers. After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation,” the professor continues. “For instance: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s cranium, but I licked my index finger?”
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.
The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned over quietly and asked, “Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. “I know you can’t speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She’s waiting just outside.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad, which he stuffed into the priest’s hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
“Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you.”
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
Why was the teacher so suspicious of her cannibal student?
He kept buttering her up.
There once was a lumberjack by the nickname of “Doo-Dah”. As he aged, his hearing grew worse and worse. One day, he failed to hear one of the other lumberjacks yell “Timber!” and he was squashed, right on the spot. The other lumberjacks, knowing how close Doo-Dah was with his dear wife, decided it was their duty to tell her right away what had happened. However, none of them were brave enough to tell her to her face, so they decided to send a telegram. When the telegram deliveryman came to Mrs. Doo-Dah’s door and knocked, she answered with a great smile.
“Oh, a telegram!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never gotten a telegram before! Do you think you could make it a singing telegram?”
The telegram deliveryman was a bit unnerved. “I’m not sure I would feel comfortable singing this telegram, ma’am.”
She insisted, however, and said she would tip him generously if he would humor her and make it a singing telegram. The deliveryman finally acquiesced. He thought for a moment, and then began:
(To the tune of Camptown Races) “Guess who died in the woods today? Doo-dah, Doo-dah…”
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
“Have you any last requests?” asked the executioner.
“Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell again, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
Time of Death
“Now, my grandfather–he knew the exact year, day of the week, and time of day that he would die.”
“Wow, that’s incredible. How did he know all of that?”
“A judge told him.”
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer have all been sentenced to death by guillotine for crimes they had committed. The executioner asks the priest whether he wishes to face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest states he would prefer to die face up which would enable him to be looking towards Heaven when he dies.
The priest is placed in the guillotine and the executioner releases the lever. The blade comes speeding down, but jams just short of the priest’s throat. Taking this as a sign from God, the priest is released and set free.
Next, the lawyer is led to the guillotine, and hoping he will be as fortunate as the priest, he too decides to die face up. Again the blade is released and jams just inches away from his throat. As with the priest, the lawyer is released and set free.
Finally, the engineer is led to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the lever, the engineer shouts, “Wait! I think I see what your problem is!”
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Susan,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Susan,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Susan. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.”
“I know,” she replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
Why was the hangman not convicted of his crimes?
There was a hung jury.
The doctor stated somberly, “I have some bad news, and some very bad news.”
“Well, you might as well give me the bad news first,” the fidgeting patient replied.
“You’ve contracted a fatal disease that kills the victim within 24 hours.”
“Good Lord! What could be worse than that?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A doctor recently opened a firm that doubles as both a morgue and an optometry practice.
How long do you think that place will stay in business?
Remains to be seen.
Pick Your Poison
A man confides in his friend: “I believe my wife is secretly trying to poison me. What shall I do?”
“Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out,” the friend offers.
The next day, the man’s friend calls him and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. We talked on the phone for hours. Do you know what I think?”
“I think you should take the poison.”
Why do cemeteries need fences around them?
Because everyone’s dying to get in.
After the Funeral
A little girl was sitting next to the bedside of her dying grandfather. Suddenly, the room was filled with the most wonderful smell. It was the aroma of Grandma’s famous chocolate chip cookies–Grandpa’s favorite food in the world–wafting up from the kitchen downstairs.
He was thrilled that his wife had given him this last parting gift, but he knew he only had a matter of minutes left. He mustered up as much energy as he could, turned to his granddaughter, and asked, “Would you please go down and get me some of your grandmother’s cookies? That is my final request.”
The granddaughter nodded, scurrying down to the kitchen as fast as she could. There was a pause, and then the pitter patter of her little feet as she raced back upstairs to her grandfather.
Grandpa licked his lips. The smell was so incredible, he could already taste them. But when he turned to look at his granddaughter, her hands were empty!
The little girl reported, “Grandma said they’re for after the funeral.”